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I believe in love.

 In fact, I think that may be just about the only thing I’ve ever believed in. And I don’t know why. My interactions with love in my formidable years were much like everyone else’s…sad. And usually ended with a bang.

You see, I wouldn’t learn this until my later years, but not everybody loves like I love. This is something that my best friend Zack would come to teach me. He and I, two peas in a super unique pod, love to the depths of our heart. We are 100% all or nothing, here’s my heart, take me or leave me type of lovers. However as I make my way into my 30’s my viewpoints are just beginning to be shaken.

My heart, poor thing, has been tattered, torn and trampled. Beneath the feet of past loves who didn’t love me, but rather love how much I loved them. And other who promised me their commitment, only to change their tune when alone. Lovers who were wrong, so very wrong for me. Who stayed out all night and drank until they couldn’t remember. Lover who lied, who cried, and ones that would try constantly to get me to look their way. Ones I’ve tried to save, to pull out of the wreckage of their own lives. Ones who have pushed me until I realized I needed to save myself. I’ve been lost, confused, broken, hurting, and alone.

However because of that, because I’ve loved SO deeply, I’ve also felt the most intense love I’ve ever been capable of feeling. I’ve been moved to tears with the love that I have felt for some. Imagine, feeling the emotion of love so deeply that all you can do is cry tears of joy. 

It’s a high like no other! It’s euphoria. Complete bliss in every sense of the word. Love. 

It’s because of this, however, that I didn’t have many boyfriends in my younger years. I dated a lot, and since I was “attractive” and not a slut, I was labeled as a “tease.” But I knew that when I made the decision to open my heart to my person, I would love the shit out of them. Wholeheartedly. I would give them my all, rather than just find a person to pass the time with. 

Many of those same ex’s have since reached out and thanked me for the force that I was in their life and the love that I gave them, when I could see they were so deeply in need of it. So now, as I get a little older, I realize it’s okay to love intensely as long as you don’t expect to get it in return. If you choose to love someone, love them for who they are, who they are working to be. Don’t love their title, their money, their status. Love their stories, love their weird laugh and the pet names they call you. Love them when they are mad. Love them when you are mad. But find the balance of loving yourself, too. 

You can’t love someone into loving you. You can’t trick, convince, or pay someone into loving you. You can only love, and hope that they love in return. No, if two souls are fortunate enough to find true and genuine LOVE within another, at the right place and time…well that’s truly a miracle and it should be cherished. 

After all, is not the purpose of life, to love?

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