I believe in love.
In fact, I think that may be just about the only thing I’ve ever believed in. And I don’t know why. My interactions with love in my formidable years were much like everyone else’s, sad. And usually ended with a bang.
See, I wouldn’t learn this until my later years, but not everybody loves like I love. This is something that my best friend, Zack, would teach me. He and I, two peas in a super unique pod, love to the depths of our heart. We are 100% all or nothing, love me or leave, here’s my heart kind of lovers. However, as I approach my 30’s, my viewpoints are beginning to be challenged.
My heart, poor thing, has been tattered, torn and trampled. Beneath the feet of past loves, who didn’t love me, but rather loved how much I loved them. And others who promised me their commitment, only to change their tune when alone. Lovers who were wrong, so very wrong for me. Who stayed out all night and drank until they couldn’t remember. Lovers who lied, who cried, and even those who threatened to die. Ones I’ve tried to save, to pull out of the wreckage of their own lives. Ones who have pushed and pushed, until I realized I needed to save my own life instead. You see, I’ve been confused, lost, broken, and alone.
But because of that, because I loved so deeply, I’ve also felt the most intense love I’ve ever been capable of feeling. I’ve been moved to tears with the love that I have had for some people. Imagine, feeling the emotion of love so deeply, that all you can do is cry tears of joy. It’s a high like no other! It’s a euphoria, complete bliss in every sense of the word.
For this reason, I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends in my younger years. I dated a lot, and since I was attractive and not a slut, I was labeled as a “tease.” But I knew that when I made the decision to have “my person,” I would love the shit outta them whole heartedly. I’d give them my all, not just find someone to pass the days with.
Once I did find those special people, the unique ones, I would love them deeply until our time together expired. For one reason or another, I always felt that the lesson I was to impart onto them was over, and it was time for me to let them try life on their own. Although there were some heartbreaks, fights, and screaming, I still love each of them to this day. And I cherish the time we shared together and the lessons they gave me, which is what loving someone is for. To uncover parts of yourself. To grow.
Many of my ex’s have since reached out to thank me for the force that I was in their life and the love that I gave them, when I could see they were truly in need of it. So now, as I get a little older, I realize that it is okay to love intensely as long as you don’t expect it in return. If you choose to love someone, love them for who they are, who they are working to be. Don’t love their money, their title, their status. Love their stories, their weird laugh, or the pet names they have for you. Love them when they are mad. Love them when you are mad. But find the balance of loving yourself, too. You can’t love someone into loving you. You can’t trick, convince, or pay someone into loving you. No, you can only love and hope that they love in return.
And if you are fortunate enough to find true and genuine LOVE within another, at the right place and time. Well that is truly a miracle and should be cherished.
After all, is this not the purpose of life, to love?